For you, Lord.

Sort of convicting, huh?

45 From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land.
46 About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi,[3] lama sabachthani?"--which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"[4]
.....
51 At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split.
54 When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son[5] of God!"
- Matthew 45,46,51,54

A book written on Pontius Pilate, the Roman Governor in Jerusalem at the time of Jesus's crucifixion, by noted historian Paul Maier states in a footnote, "This phenomenon, evidently, was visible in Rome, Athens, and other Mediterranean cities. According to Tertullian...it was a "cosmic" or "world event". Phlegon, a Greek author from Caria writing a chronology soon after 137 A.D. reported that in the fourth year of the 202nd Olympiad (i.e. 33 A.D.) there was "the greatest eclipse of the sun" and that "it became night in the sixth hour of the day (i.e. noon) so that stars even appeared in the heavens. There was a great earthquake in Bithynia, and many things were overturned in Nicaea."

I am sorry if you feel that Christianity is based on a story. I am sorry if you feel that Jesus is fictional. I am sorry if you do not believe in miracles. I must say, though, that I'm not apologizing for Christianity. Rather, I am apologizing for you. See...it's easy to think it's a story. It's easy to think that Jesus is a fictional character. And it's very easy to believe that miracles don't happen. We're lazy. We're logical. We're too grounded in the things of this world. We discount it because nothing like that has happened in our lives yet. Therefore we don't even do the research necessary to form our own opinion because, after all, "It's too far-fetched to be true". If I ask someone, "why do you not believe Jesus?" and their reply is "oh it's just a story, come on" and I respond with, "what tells you it's a story?" their reply is going to be weak. "It just has to be. You can't walk on water. You can't give the blind sight. You can't rise from the dead." "You're right, I can't. I'm not God. What makes you think that God, as omnipotent and omniscient as He is, can't do those things?" "Duhhh...uhhh...."

I am sorry. This has been a little condescending and I realize that. I'm very frustrated with people who deny Christianity and yet don't even care to research it on their own. I have to, and will always, respect someone's denial of Christ IF they have researched through all the facts with an open mind and heart, spoken with true Christians about their beliefs and how Jesus has impacted their lives, and remained patient as they researched. Hey, you don't believe what I believe even though you've done all these things? That's cool, I respect you and your beliefs. But...you don't believe and you won't put any effort into understanding, researching, or opening your heart to it at all? I'm sorry, I have a major problem with your ignorance and self-assurance. I'm not saying you are a bad person. I am nobody to say that. But I am saying that perhaps there is something in your life you need to look at a little deeper to understand why you don't want to put the effort into research. If your reason doesn't include any facts, I sincerely suggest humbling yourself before the Lord, asking for forgiveness, and opening up a Bible to John chapter 1 and reading through it. Take your time. Let the words sink in. Understand that what you are reading is truth. It was written while survivors remained that had seen Jesus, seen the crucifixion, seen him resurrected, etc. If any of it was not true then it would have been corrected by those who had seen and experienced the events written in it. After that read Luke. Understand that Luke is known throughout present-day academia as one of the greatest historians of all time. Then read Mark. Understand that the book of Mark was written only a few years after Jesus's death; Mark took his information from Peter, one of the 12 original apostles who were WITH Jesus. Lastly, read Matthew. Understand that Matthew is written by the apostle Matthew, the tax collector who Jesus personally chose to be one of his disciples. In other words, it's a first-hand account of the ministry of Jesus.

My final thought for the night is this: If you refuse to believe that this is more than a story because it happened so long ago, that legend has corrupted the gospels and New Testament, and that any story 2,000 years old cannot be accurate...then, please realize that the funny thing is that 2,000 years from now, in 4,003, there will be a greater quantity of accurate and extremely detailed information about the life of Jesus than the lives of you and me.

Sort of convicting, huh?

I've researched Jeremy Camp a little bit since writing my last entry (he's the guy I mentioned at the end of it whose wife died and yet his faith in the Lord was still firm) and I may have found my new hero. Although he is only 24 years old he's been through so much pain and heartache in his life that his wisdom is far beyond a typical 24 year old. His wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer well before they wed, and although the outlook with her treatment was positive during their engagement, she unfortunately took a turn for the worse following their honeymoon and passed into the hands of the Lord 5 months after they were married. The first song Jeremy wrote after her passing was "I Still Believe", the song I quoted at the bottom of my last journal. The song in and of itself is pure passion both lyrically and musically, but knowing the story behind it vaults it to one of my all-time favorites. I have typed out the lyrics in hopes that we may all be given a heroic example of the attitude and extreme love of our Lord that I believe He has created us for.

"I Still Believe"
- Jeremy Camp

" Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I dont know where to start
But its now I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I dont see I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near"

I've noticed some interesting things about myself lately. It's amazing that as one goes through growth and learning more about him or herself, he or she also realizes/notices some things that aren't exactly "ground-breaking" or worthy of trumpets. Nonetheless, they are interesting! For instance, I look like everyone else. I have to, otherwise people wouldn't continually (and I'm being serious) come up to me and say, "Aren't you Andy's big brother?" or "Hey Mike...oh I'm sorry, you look JUST like Mike." or "Do you have a brother named Daniel? I saw you from across the room and swore you were him...you two have to be brothers." I have had 4 or 5 of these encounters in the past two weeks. They've happened at work, at the gym, and at church. Whodda thunk? Another thing I've noticed is very bizarre...if any one experiences this like I do, please let me know so I don't feel out of the ordinary. When I am in the state between being awake and being asleep...the "no man's zone", so to speak...I find myself with tremendous regularity reciting scripture, or having conversations between Paul and the Disciples, or I will find myself in front of a congregation preaching the word of Christ, etc. etc. I'm not complaining about it. I actually believe it's a wonderful thing and I am very thankful for it. But it is bizarre to me because I will say things about Christ that I didn't think I knew...or at least that I always wondered whether I truly believed or not. For instance, this afternoon I locked myself in my bedroom, got down on my knees and prayed that the Lord would speak to me regarding an issue I am seeking His will on. Dummy me, but I eventually started to drift into sleepiness cause I was there so long (typical human!), but I vividly remember imagining that I was Paul and I was having a conversation with myself, telling myself about the wonders, the glory, and the magnificence of Jesus. Does anyone else do this too?? I am also a hard-core dreamer. Like some day I want to run in a Marathon, KO someone in boxing, write a book, own land as far as my eyes can see, write the lyrics to a famous song that impacts thousands of people, fly an airplane, scale a cliff w/o a harness or ropes, play baseball professionally, etc. My biggest dream, though, is for someone whom I respect and admire to tell me to my face that it is obvious I am a man after God's heart. I want to be a man whose enemies, people who hate, detest, and abhor me, cannot deny that I am after God's heart. Because although I do not claim to understand Him all the time, I do know that everything happens for the Good. I hope to be a man like Jeremy Camp...whose faith is so ingrained in the Lord that even with the passing of his wife he sang out in the Lord's glory, "I still believe in your faithfulness." Imagine being able to trust in someone so much and know that you are so loved by this person that even when your "soulmate" passes on you are still fulfilled. Wow. Amen. For you who do not believe, I pray that this message at least arouses some curiousity in your heart to research Jesus Christ. I didn't believe either...until I got to know Him.

K, so this post is for shock value. More appropriately, it's my way of shoving in your face the whole "you have no idea who I am" concept. I don't mean to sound rude...if anything it's my fault for not letting you in. Truth be told, some people won't accept me. You may not. Your parents may not. Your friends may not. And that hurts. See, for most of my life the pain that I've endured has been unconsciously self-brought. Granted, things happened to me as I was growing up that were not my fault that hurt at the time...but it was the way that I taught myself to think as a result of those occurences that has been the real problem. So here I am, trying to be myself more and more. I've already had a couple people not accept me for who I am. And yes, it has hurt. But in a good way, as strange as that sounds. Because, I can finally understand that as long as I am who I am it shouldn't matter whether other's accept me or not. I'm hurt, but I know it's not my problem. They don't accept me because they have their own problems. And I will say this...and this is going to upset some of you I'm sure, but I'm going to say it anyways...I have found that Christian's, of all the people I've been real around and that are just getting to know the real me, are more understanding, more accepting, and genuinely more loving than non-Christians. People with a true understanding of the Lord and the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made on the cross for ALL OF US have been there for me time and time again, showing grace where grace is not deserved. The Lord reveals Himself to me through them daily and I cannot thank Him nor them enough. Anyways...let's get to the shock value...

Poem #1 - The Devil Within

Who do you think you are
Your life drowning me like a downpour
Who are you trying to be
Acting like you've always understood the meaning of me
What do you think you're doing
There's not enough room for me because you're too consuming

The life you've made
The flunking grade
It's all a part of the cycle

The cycle of who you think you are
The cycle of who you're trying to be
The cycle of what you think you're doing

It's time to grow up


Poem #2 - Self-explanatory

Shut up and listen to me
You're breaking my heart
You scream about nothing in each other's face
But the only thing you hear are the internal tears that have become too commonplace
If that's what love's supposed to be
Then the hell with that, it's not for me
You don't understand what you're saying
Or the image of love that you're conveying
You've got it all backwards
But by the time you figure it out afterwards
It's going to be too late
Cause by then I'll be full of hate
Yeah, that's right, clocks ticked down to zero
And yeah, thanks to you, I'm left without a hero


Poem #3 - Eat your heart out Eminem

I hate having to explain why I feel so much pain
Having to verbalize just shows me that no one truly recognizes
Saying why I cry is just as defeating as being told why not to die
It's nothing I could control
Not dope, drugs, or alcohol
Just neglect. "Neg what? You mean a lack of respect?"
No Bitch. Neglect. Sort of like an inability to protect.
It kills us all, big and small
It's another form of homicide; hell, it's parental induced suicide
You see, there's a direct correlation between the variation of hugs to shoves and conversations to dinner time apparitions
The beauty of it all is that you don't even have to try and someone will die
Mom and Dad, it's like so long ago when you sat me down and lovingly said...
Wait, shit, you never did and fuck you that's why this gun's to my head