For you, Lord.

Lately the Lord has thrust upon me mounting evidence for the absolute idiocy that is life. Or, more specifically, how much I/we need to rely solely on Him, because allowing other humans...even close friends or family...to affect your emotions will wreck havoc on your heart and self-esteem.

To be blunt, people are stupid. I include myself within this generalization. Not only are we stupid, we're also immature, selfish, unthoughtful, unfaithful, unreliable, insincere, unaware, ambiguous, and just plain stupid. Oh, wait, I already said that. Stupid me.

I really can't explain why I've been realizing these things more and more because I'm not trying to offend anyone. Undoubtedly someone's feelings would get hurt because s/he would read my blog, realize I'm referring to him/her, and then want to talk to me about it. But my blog isn't my method of sideways confronting you, hoping you'll come try to work things out with me. It's here for me and you merely choose to read it.

Regardless, the point of this diatribe is my frustration with people and my disbelief that a woman exists who either A) is reliable, thoughtful, sincere, etc. or B) is occasionally insincere, unaware, selfish, etc., but has a heart grounded enough in the Lord that she'll understand when I communicate my feelings of disappointment or hurt and then be empathetic. I am speaking of my future spouse, if I am meant to wed, because she will be the one person I love and seek a relationship with that closest compares to the relationship I seek with the Lord. In other words, she will be someone I can rely on in a similar manner...although not identical...to the way I rely on God, so to believe a woman exists out there who I can trust and depend on/in that much is difficult to comprehend.

I realize at times I'm overly critical of others and fail to give them the benefit of the doubt, which I believe is the way I'm feeling right now. However, I do my best to be aware of how others are feeling and to always be sincere, unselfish, and mature in my actions. The fact that so many people usually behave in a way that does not exhibit the slightest awareness, sincerity, or unselfishness is incomprehensible to me. As a result I get frustrated. I am by no means saying I'm a wonderful guy. I'm actually pretty close to scum, if not scum itself. However, I have not, and do not ever expect to behave in some of the idiotic, unthoughtful, and immature ways I have experienced others behaving in lately.

My expectations of other people are too high. I think it says something when I think back on my life and cannot recall a single person who has not disappointed or failed me on multiple occasions. It says two things...A) I remember negative behavior too easily (AKA: I have a hard time letting disappointments and failures go) and B) I should have learned this lesson by now.

Thus I turn to the Lord. I know His plan for me includes the events of the past days. They are far too random to not be divinely influenced. The outcome I do not know, but I am confident it will be for the best. He has something wonderful in store for me and I look forward to experiencing it and, ultimately, using it to glorify Him.

Friends, I beseech you to remember 2 things...

1 - God is good
2- We are not

Amen.

I've had an emotional day today. A day with too many negative thoughts about myself, a desire to have too much control over my life, and a general exasperation at my inability to just let it go.

Often times I forget I'm working for a ministry for troubled teenagers. The structure here is catered to curbing the student's negative behavior, so what I see/experience generally is an extremely watered-down version of their negative self from home. Instead of doing drugs to exhibit an authority problem and lack of security, they don't pass the water at the dinner table when a peer asks for it. Instead of stealing a woman's purse at the supermarket, they neglect to mark up a rent on their Payroll sheets when they use a House store item. Escuela Caribe is SO good at curbing students' behavior via it's structure and the demand we as staff place on the students for compliance and respect, I feel that often times the staff, mainly myself, forget what we're focusing on while ministering to these kids...their hearts.

Tonight I had an opportunity to have that aspect of my ministry here rekindled and brought to the forefront. A student of mine asked me to explain to him a comment I made a few days ago about how he's cruising through the program and not putting forth the effort to grow. We sat down tonight and I explained my reasoning to him, told him my fears for his future, how I feel he can overcome his past, and ultimately that a heart-change as a result of a relationship with the Lord will be what truly helps him become the man he can be. This is a student who rarely exhibits signs of anger. Rarely exhibits any emotion whatsoever, actually. But during the conversation I could see that the words I was speaking were going directly to his heart. His posture changed. His face withdrew its smile. His gaze became more focused. He broke down his physical facade and opened up his heart to what I was saying, and I could see it was having an impact. At the end of the conversation he voluntarily walked over and hugged me. That hug reminded me that each of these teenagers, no matter their past, their negative exploits in the ministry, their fronting behavior, etc. yearns for their hearts to be filled with love, acceptance, compassion, and strength...just like us.

Once I had locked the bedroom door and sat down in the dining room to do points for the day (sorry about all the ministry lingo), I became overwhelmed with emotion and felt a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. All I could do was lay my head in my hands for awhile and thank the Lord for using me to help this student by opening my heart tonight.

I did not cry, although I wanted to. I've only cried 2 times in the past 3.5 months, and I feel that is highly irregular for this type of work. I'd like to cry more often. I wish I were more in touch with my feelings and that my feelings were predominantly of compassion for these students. However, I still have not connected my heart to the students to the magnitude I know the Lord is asking of me. I need to listen more and consequence less.

I expect tomorrow to be an emotional day with similar mental struggles. The honeymoon phase of my tenure at Escuela Caribe has come to an end; staff are beginning to confront me, students are beginning to be angered/hurt by me, and my behavior/feelings are impacting others in the surrounding area who I care about. I'm being forced to deal with people who don't want to be dealt with and accepting in areas I don't feel I need to accept in. I'm being humbled...continuously humbled.

I know the journey has just begun and I am legitimately looking forward to what's to come. I know it will be painful, but it's a pain I can endure and smile through because I know the end result will be a man more like Christ than when he arrived.

One day at a time.

God bless.

The Lord blessed me yesterday! He answered a prayer of mine from two nights before in a powerful, dramatic way.

If you think I'm going to get all poetic, think again.

See, I had been constipated for 2 weeks. My stomach was extremely bloated, to the point of aching, and I was beginning to feel self-conscious about whatever I ate because it seemed nothing was helping the situation. I prayed to the Lord for assistance...and boy did He ever answer. I used the bathroom 10-12 times yesterday (I lost count after 6); food repulsed me; and I am now extremely exhausted because of the lack of nutrition. In "ministry lingo" we call this "The Blues". I've actually been fortunate thus far in that yesterday was my first experience with the blues and I've been here for 3.5 months. Most people come down with them after their first week because their body reacts negatively to the food. So, in many regards, I have been blessed!

I do have more going on in my life, naturally. Aside from what my friends from home may occasionally think, bathroom humor is not the only thing on my mind a majority of the time. Quite a few things are going on in my life, both at Escuela Caribe and outside, that have been calling for a tremendous amount of prayer, patience, and understanding. I'd appreciate support through prayer. If you need any prayer support of your own, don't hesitate to email me. I am slowly gaining a deeper and more thurough understanding of the meaning and power of prayer.

God Bless.

Funny how the Lord works. Last night I stared at this blank blogger screen for 30min. searching for something to write, intimidated by the words I couldn't form. I yearned to be able to say something, anything at all that I felt was worthwhile to include. Nothing came. I logged out extremely frustrated, feeling as if my life was devoid of excitement.

Today I got what I wanted. Today I had one of the most dramatic, both ups and downs, days of my life. Twice I very nearly died and twice I very nearly cried. I have not showered in 48hrs., my pants and shirt are filthy, I have scrapes and cuts along my arms and face, and a renewed appreciation for the beauty and power of nature.

A small group of us traveled to a nearby waterfall this morning during our time off. It was an extensive trip along steep mountain roads that included drop offs that fell hundreds of feet. The roads were not paved and bumpy to the point that the jeep we rented bottomed out 8 times. When we finally reached our destination, two back-to-back 60-70ft. waterfalls, I decided to climb up to the top to enjoy the view. The hike up was steep; however, not exceptionally difficult. Nothing that even hinted at how difficult the trek down would be.

The view from the top allowed a line of sight as far as my eyes could see, which included a distant mountain range possibly 40-50 miles away. The Lord blessed us with amazing, cloudless weather. After I had taken a few pictures and thoroughly enjoyed the beautiful scenery, I began the hike down. I ended up getting lost on the way, because I reached a part of the mountainside I had not counted on having to overcome. What laid before me was a sheer, wet 30ft. rock wall that dropped straight down to a bed of semi-jagged rocks and tree limbs. At best I thought it was a dead end and I'd turn back to find another route, until I looked up from where I had come and realized I had no clue where I was. However, I did know where the water was going and that it was my best bet to finding my way back to the group.

I think back now and realize how insane this would have looked had someone been standing at the bottom of the 30ft. cliff...but I did it anyways. I turned my back to the scenery, grabbed a tree branch, and began to lower myself down the cliff, trusting this branch would hold my weight. It did, thankfully, for the 2 seconds I needed it to. Just as I had lowered myself off the edge where I was at the point of no return, my legs decided to tangle themselves in a tree root I hadn't seen from the previous vantage point. There I stood/dangled, 30ft. off the ground, holding onto a tree branch that could snap at any moment with one arm, attempting to untangle my legs from a root with the other. After about 45sec I was able to untangle my legs, and seeing that there was no other branch sturdy enough for my weight where I was on the cliff, I placed all of my weight on the root my legs had been entangled within. It was a surreal experience. My life depended on this stupid little root. It was about 4in. thick and 2ft. long from where it came out of the cliff to where it implanted itself back into the cliff, and it seemed to enjoy wobbling as a taught rope would do while a tight-rope walker is on it. I remained on this root for about 2min. contemplating my next maneuver. Then I saw a beautiful thing, and the only reason I believe I'm able to be here writing this entry. I saw other roots jutting out from the side of the cliff. I realized all I had to do was make it from one root to the other and pray that none of them would break. I stepped off the first root into nothing but air and realized the next root down was too far for me to merely step off the first. I had to completely hold myself with my arms and lower myself down from the first root to the second. All I can say is Hallelujah for the pushups I've been doing lately! The wetness of the cliff added to the treachery, at least in my mind. The only time it became an actual problem was when I would attempt to find secure footing along the wall to mock-rappel down the side, using a longer root as a "rope", only to slip and rely completely on my upper body to support myself until my feet found the next root.

It was an arduous journey; however, one I will never forget and am thankful for. The Lord pushed me farther mentally and physically than I believed I was capable of going. After reaching the bottom I looked up at what I had conquered and chuckled. Never in a million years would I have believed myself able to scale a wall such as that. Especially when the beginning seemed so bleak and I was so sure I had made a life-threatening decision to follow the water back to the group.

The other drama came from a situation with a student. The short version is that a student in my house was becoming beligerent and refusing to remain within the structure of the house. An administrator came to the house to talk with the student and, next thing I knew, I was a part of seeing the student shoved from a standing position to flying onto the ground flat on his back. The student then began to wail as he was pinned to the ground by the administrator who was attempting to get him to comply. All the student had to do was agree not to talk, but he refused. His behavior was as close to insanity as I have ever seen in someone, potentially even myself. He claimed he was following in the steps of Peter and Paul and how they were persecuted for standing so firm in Christ. He said we would not be able to shut him up because he had to stand up for what he believed in and he'd accept any and all pain that we gave him because of the pain Christ endured. He kept repeating that while bawling, all the while not complying with what the authority figure was telling him to do. This may seem righteous on his behalf, but I tell you that if you knew what he was "sticking up for" you'd agree that he was overreacting to the Nth degree. Were he sticking up for Christ and being threatened with death unless he rebuked his faith, I could understand the statements he was making. However, he wasn't...at all. Later this student admitted to not being in his right mind throughout the night, and thanked the administrator for helping him recover. The outcome turned out extremely well. I pray for immeasurable growth in him over the remainder of his time here at Escuela Caribe as a result of tonight's incidents, and I believe if he continues to seek the Lord he will be blessed.

It's nearly 1am and I am waking up in 6hrs so I am going to end this post rather abruptly. Today I learned/experienced many things; all of them positive. I am thankful for the work the Lord did in me, and others, throughout the day and pray that I will continously hold these lessons near to my heart. God Bless.