For you, Lord.

"When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things." 1 Corinthians 13:11

I have been thinking about what it means to be a man. When does one become a man, how does one behave, speak, and think when a man, and what does one set his eyes upon as a man. What got me initially interested was 1 Corinthians 13:11. Paul was freely admitting he had been an immature child before Christ revealed Himself, succumbing to worldly desires and emotional highs and lows determined by others. Although he was extremely well known, educated, and strong in his convictions, Paul was a child before he came to know Christ.

I quickly realized how childish I was and what I needed in order to become a man.

"...until we all attain to the...knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom...causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love." Ephesians 4:12-16

Through prayer the Lord compelled me toward Ephesians chapter 4 and I was stunned. Ephesians 4 speaks universally to all children seeking to become men. Whether Christian or not, I implore you to research and investigate that chapter if you feel lost, uncertain, or confused about what it means to be a man. What it means to endure adversity, what it means to love, what it means to be courageous, and ultimately what it means to be a man after God's own heart.

Too often being a man is associated with physical strength, monetary worth, and lack of emotion. Yet ask those men whom encompass all society deems as manly what they wish they had, were the answer truthful and honest, it would likely be "integrity, emotional security, inner strength." Ask the same question to those men who have attained what society's men inwardly desire and the response will likely be "a deeper relationship with my Lord and a greater understanding of His will."

Which is more manly? To yearn for that which other men possess, or to yearn for that which only the Lord can provide?

The answer is not complicated. The complication you feel is the battle between your heart and mind to accept the truth. It results from the need to deny your current understanding of manhood to truly become a man, to embrace that which children may perceive as impractical, illogical, and/or unworthy of the dedication of their lives.

My ability to be a man is in direct correlation with my relationship with the Lord. The closer I am to Him, the more of Him I am able to emulate, the more I am like a man. Like Paul, without Christ I too was a child. Though 22 years of age, I thought and reasoned like a toddler. I filled my heart with things of this world and thus became emotionally susceptible to their every whim. Christ makes me a man. The strength He provides through difficult situations allows me to speak like a man, think like a man, and reason like a man. Through Him living in me I am able to model His character; the character Society's men yearn for.

Are you a man? I applaud your courage, personal reality, and humility if you realize you aren't. I pray you are encouraged to know you're more of a man than you think if you can admit you're not a man.

Are you ready to become one? Are you ready to stand up for what you believe, to forgive others because you understand their fallibility rivals only yours, to admit when you are angry, frustrated, hurt, or concerned, and to admit you are not in control and you need others? Ultimately, are you ready to admit that Jesus Christ is the one true example of a man we have to model our lives after? That an acceptance of Him as your savior is the first step toward becoming more like Him and, thus, more like a man?

Christ can do anything, proven by my slow maturation into a man once I accepted Him. He will do for you what He is doing for me once you admit your need. It's not up to Him whether you remain a child or mature into a man. He's already made you a man; He's just waiting for you to accept Him to lavish His gifts of love, grace, and mercy upon you.

May His blessings be of comfort to your soul.

I've been told my blogs are depressing and I should write about more positive things. Apparently people think that because I write solely about negative events in my life, that means nothing positive ever happens...or that I'm unable to focus on anything but the negative events. Can you say "assumption"?? So maybe what I'll do to appease them is label my blogs. Would that make everyone happier?

If it's inspirational then the label will be, "Please read if you're feeling like sh!t."

If it's depressing it'll be, "Please read if you want to feel like sh!t."

If it's funny it'll be, "Please read if you want to laugh so hard you sh!t."

Does this sound extreme to you? It does to me. Look...read my blog if you want. Don't if you don't. Everyone must understand what this blog represents to me, and that is a medium to A) vent B) encourage others spiritually and C) give major updates on what's going on in my life. It's not meant for me to rave about how good my life is, although I realize I should be thanking the Lord with every breath I take. It's also not meant for me to convey my daily routine, "I woke up at 5:50am. I made oatmeal for breakfast. The morning prayer was about the Lord's will and...". Come on, that's boring. If you want to know the absolute truth...then you should know that the truly negative things that occur in my life aren't even mentioned on here. I have a paper journal up at the house that I write my feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, and frustration in.

But, really, I think the point is that if you're searching for feelings of security, comfort, self-worth, love, or affirmation from me via this blog...please stop. That's not what it's for.

Anywayssssss...

I'm in the midst of my New Years resolution right now. 100 pushups a day. Thus far tonight I've done 40. Eh, no problem. I have yet to miss a day and, in fact, I'm considering bumping it up to 150 a day if the ease of the 100 continues to progress as it has. This may seem like a silly New Years resolution. "You mean you aren't going to try to read the bible every day? Or get to bed by midnight each night? Or talk to your parents once a week?" No, no, sorry...nothing that ground-breaking. However, 100 pushups a day requires discipline. The same discipline required to read the bible every day, go to bed at a decent hour, etc. I figured I'd try something I could realistically handle. I like working out, I like seeing results, pushups don't require much time, space, or any extra equipment...seems like a no-brainer. Thus far it is; however, if you'd like to pray that the discipline I'm teaching myself through the pushups transfers to the bible, that'd be great.

I've had my nights off lately as a result of Therapeutic Crisis Intervention training that's been going on during the day. Basically we're learning how to more effectively de-escalate kids so they do not reach the crisis point AND how to physically restrain them incase they do crisis. It's interesting stuff...I think I'll put it on my resume. The POINT, however, is that today I got to role play a student who was refusing to go to bed when the housefather was telling him to. Something interesting happened during the role play, so I'm going to share.

:WARNING: Personal and perceivably negative thoughts are about to be expressed. Do not read if you want to believe my life is peachesncream :WARNING:

The "housefather" used a couple different methods to try and get me off the couch and into the bedroom, but each time he did I would return his directive or plea with an insult. He even went a little too far (in his defense, he's not a housefather and isn't trained in how to handle situations like these 100% appropriately) and told me I'd be put in the QR (quiet room...aka: isolation) if I didn't comply in the next 2min. "If you don't get in bed in the next 2min then you're going to get sent to the QR. Do you really want to sleep on that cold tile floor with the rats and eat cold food?" I replied, "The rats would taste better than the sh!t your wife makes us eat" (or something to that effect). When I said that I had a flashback to how I'd respond to my dad whenever he and I would engage in a similar situation.

It was obvious the "housefather" didn't know how to respond to the comment, aside from laughing, so the instructor stepped in to play an Administrative role. He got down on my level, looked at me with calm eyes, and began to talk to me in a very soft voice. I tried to throw him off by purposefully ignoring him, interrupting him with something completely off the topic of what he was saying, and insult him with a stupid question. None of them worked. Each time I tried a diversionary tactic he would talk softer. And you know what it did? Only way I can describe it is to say I was stunned. I wasn't sure what was going on because I began to feel bad about what I'd said. This hadn't happened before.

See...in MY family of origin...whenever I knew my dad was on edge, I knew exactly what to say to set him off. His eyes would flare, he'd rush at me and, when possible, throw me up against the wall and start screaming in my face. Sooooo many days when I'd come home from school depressed or dejected cause of something that happened during the day, I'd see him a little on edge and take advantage of it to get something I wanted out of him...confirmation that I'm not worth anything. Confirmation that my parents don't love me and, inevitably, nobody can. Not once, in all the times I tried to set him off, did he ever remain calm, get down on my level, and begin talking to me in a soft voice. His reaction was always the opposite, which left me feeling secure with my depressive thoughts as well as secure with the fact that he deserved what I said to set him off. Our interactions always left me feeling bad about myself and re-affirmed with how I treated him.

In comparison, today I felt guilty as soon as the instructor began talking to me in a soft voice. I wanted him to start yelling. As soon as he'd start yelling then it'd be acceptable for me to start yelling. I'd react to him, therefore, I wouldn't be the aggressor. I'd bottle up the rage and appear calm until he began to express his. But he wouldn't do it. Every attempt I made he turned back around on me by talking softer. I was lost. So I did what I expect I'd have done with my dad had he reacted to me in a similar manner...I gave up. I realized I wasn't going to get what I wanted, so what was the use? As soon as I gave up the guilty feelings began to sweep over me. I was able to look at the scenario from others points of view and understand their feelings. I really wish my dad had reacted to me like the instructor did. I imagine things would have been...and would now be...very different between us.

Granted, I haven't put much thought into this. It happened today and I've been preoccupied since it occured. I'm not blaming my poor relationship with my father (and mother, actually) on his/their poor reactions to me. There are countless other variables involved...some of which they contributed and many of which I contributed. I do believe God had his hand on the situation, my heart, and my memory as I was role-playing, and He is calling me to think more about the roots behind my poor familial relationships. So once again along the lines of prayer, if you'd like to help out from afar, please pray that my heart continues to open to them and I begin to understand more of their perspective.

See, this blog was positive... :o)

Amen.

Posted by: Matt / 5:26 PM

Have you ever surprised yourself? Had a mental or physical epiphany? Struggled with something during your adolescence you had long since forgotten, only to remember it as a distant memory of who you used to be? I've been doing some of that lately and I wonder about the plausibility of it and the immense power within the brain.

An example from my past is math. At the beginning of the year in 8th grade I was placed with the "smart kids" in Algebra, where I promptly got a 74 my first quarter and was dropped back down to Pre-Algebra with the "normal kids". For the next 2 quarters I didn't get below a 96 on any assignment, quiz, or test in Pre-Algebra. The following year when I took Algebra with everyone else, I routinely had the highest grades in the class. In fact, ever since that first quarter of 8th grade Algebra, math has been the easiest subject for me. What was it about that first quarter that I struggled with so much? It's as if I had a mental block. For some reason at that point in my life I just didn't get it. 1 year later I not only got it, I excelled at it.

Another example, and much more recent, is that I'm a pretty decent ping-pong player now. The game just makes sense, both physically and mentally. The strange fact is that I haven't played ping-pong in 6 years. A couple days ago I picked up a paddle and was hitting the ball with a friend of mine, and I was shocked at what I could do and the mental ease with which the physical element arose. I used to suck! How'd I get so good without having played in the past 6 years? Granted, ping-pong isn't the most physically difficult or mentally complex sport on the planet. What I'm amazed at is how I seemed to "just know" how to hit a forehand with topspin, a backhand with backspin or topspin, to angle my serve anywhere on the table I wanted it to go, etc., WITHOUT having played or thought about ping-pong in so long.

The ping-pong experience frustrates me because I remember how I played 6 years ago. I could only hit the ball backhanded with my paddle perfectly flat and the only direction I hit it was straight. I was physically blocked because my mental understanding of ping-pong was limited.

Why the frustration with ping-pong of all things? Why even consider this to be important enough to journal about?

Because it makes me wonder what else in life, either physical or mental, I am currently limited in because my brain has not sufficiently cognitively matured? What can I not physically do because my brain just doesn't get it at this point? Am I actually a great skier, even though the couple times I've skied in my life I spent more time on my butt than my feet? Is it just a mental understanding of the physical aspects of skiing that I currently lack? Also, what am I not mentally capable of because my brain has yet to mature to that point? Can I memorize a chapter of the Bible only reading it once? Can I multiply 43x84 and tell you the answer in 3 seconds?

What about my understanding of Christianity? Is my understanding of the Lord and His love for me held back by a lack of mental ability to comprehend it? I realize His ways are above my ways and I am not to understand everything, but lately I've noticed that others have such a better grasp of words such as "sanctification", "justification", "grace", "redemption", etc. than I do. It's very frustrating. I want to be a better Christian and thus a better man, yet part of me feels my brain isn't mentally capable of that yet. How am I supposed to overcome this?

Does the brain cognitively mature just as our emotions mature? I'd have to say yes. Granted, it's a given that 99.9% of 4 year olds cannot cognitively understand Algebra, Chemistry, Shakespeare, etc. What I mean is whether the brain continues to cognitively mature throughout ones life just as our emotions mature as we persevere through different highs and lows? Is the rate of cognitive maturation different for each individual? If true, how does that change our approach to education, ministry, marriage and family development, the appropriate age to obtain a driver's license, etc.?

Without going into further discussion, I think the bottom line is there are no absolutes in regard to the brain. The power it holds and the quantitative age at which a particular person can manifest the power is unique to each individual. I, at this point, am frustrated with my cognitive maturity because I feel it's holding me back from a world I want to understand better, a God I want to feel and see more, and the man He wants me to be.