For you, Lord.

I feel my appreciation for women has increased since my arrival 9 months ago. In the previous 23 years of my life I can't say I ever saw a woman who truly took my breath away; whose presence floored me to embarrasment. Yet in my 9 months here I've seen 2 in completely random situations. One was with my friend Gunjan in the Colonial District of Santo Domingo while having dinner. The other was at the church here a few Sundays ago.

So I say, if there are 2, aren't there more? And if there are more, what differentiates them...or any woman for that matter...from being one whom I'm supposed to wed?

I'm in a unique situation right now. One I don't believe I've been in for a long long time. I'm not interested in anybody. Usually there's someone, ya know? Not now. I've matured to a point where I can be friends with women, even ones I am attracted to, and not be romantically interested in them. Previously that wasn't a possibility for me.

The difference between me now and me 9 months ago is I actually enjoy not being interested. I don't have great memories of times when I have been interested, and I'd rather not be interested if it means experiences such as those will repeat themselves. I'm to a place where I'm comfortable living my life following the Lord as a single male and I don't need a woman to be part of my life in order to glorify Him. In fact, I feel I'd struggle to glorify God were I to be in a relationship; after all, past experience dictates that truth. So why be in one at all?

I'm comfortable with who I am; I don't need anyone telling me I'm great. At the same time, I don't want/need anyone in my life behaving in a manner that causes me to question my worth.

I guess the bottom line is I don't see myself being genuinely interested in someone for a long time, and I don't know that I want to be. What I know of love is painful, and what I know of family is painful. Right now I'm comfortable, and I'm happy. I'd rather continue to be happy and glorify God as a single than endure the agony of what I know of love and family.

As strange as this may sound, I'd appreciate prayer that focuses on the Lord not bringing someone into my life romantically. Or, maybe more specifically, praying that I only become romantically interested/involved with someone if it's His will. I do understand His sovereignty. If it's His will for me to wed, I will wed. If not, then I pray to remain focused on glorifying Him as a single and not become swayed by the temptations of this world.

It's not worth it. He, and only He, is.
Amen.