For you, Lord.

I've actually written twice in the past month, but as fate would have it the internet died as I published each post.

Recent developments: we have a new House Mom who I'm working alongside. It's been a blessing for me, personally, as I now enjoy working and being in the house. The aura of the house has changed dramatically.

I've begun running on a more regular basis. 3-4 times a week now. I attribute it in large part to friends I have on campus who enjoy running and are willing to put up with my sloth-like pace.

As I said in my last post, I've begun to pray more frequently. I've made a concerted effort to spend at least 5min a day with God. The benefits have been enormous. It's true that when you are in His presence, you don't want it to cease. Each time I pray I know He's with me, so my prayers extend from 5min to 25min without my being aware.

I prayed last week for a student of mine. I expressed frustration toward God for not breaking him yet. For getting close on numerous occasions, but never going to the extent this student needed to actually break. I literally prayed, "God, stop playing games with this kid." After the prayer I experienced what I can only describe as spiritual warfare. I went through the gamut of negative emotions over the next week...from depression and loneliness to agitation and anger. I began to wonder if I needed to begin medication again. The rollercoaster subsided a couple days ago and, looking back on it, I believe it was Satan working in my life to damage my relationship with God; a relationship he sees as strengthening and solidifying.

I have yet to receive my purpose in life from Him. I explained to a friend of mine today that I believe God is using this time to rapidly grow me because of how stubborn I was to His wisdom for the first many years of my life. I won't know my purpose till He's grown me to the point I'm ready for it, but I feel..."feel" being the key word...that I'm nearly ready. I'm just waiting right now.

K, please pray for me as you see fit. I appreciate it.

God bless.

I'm beginning to love community. Me, Mr. Anti-Social.

I've been reading a book, "Search for the Proverbs 31 Man", and it's been exceptionally convicting. The first point hit home the most, "The Proverbs 31 man has an intimate relationship with God." The author used scripture from Numbers 14 as an example. God became so fed up with the Israelites He told Moses He was going to destroy every one of them and start humankind over again with him, His one faithful servant (think of it as another Noah's Ark). Moses replied by reminding God of His power, why He brought the Israelites out of Egypt, and that He is a God of lovingkindness and faithfulness. He pleaded with the Lord to forgive His people once more. God listened and forgave.

I long for that intimate relationship with God. Who doesn't??

I was convicted to pray more and so each night I have been praying, outloud, for 5-10min. I found I can't pray silently else my mind wanders. I believe one thing God has done through these prayers is open my eyes and heart to serving others, and thus I have found a comfortable niche within this community.

A year ago, shortly after I had arrived, I struggled with my identity in groups; at times in my past I had been the center of attention, and at times I had been a wallflower. What was the true me? I found forcing myself to be the center of attention here was too draining and fake, and yet being the wallflower was too easy and lonesome.

God has given me identity, both within groups and one on one: I'm a servant.

Tying it all together: I am beginning to love community now that I know my role and how I fit into His kingdom. I can earnestly say last night was the first night I laid in bed and thought to myself, "I am really going to miss this place when I leave."

Glory be to God.