For you, Lord.

Tomorrow marks 1.5 years I've been in the DR. Time is flying.

But that's not the point. The point is I'm frustrated with God. A great theological debate is whether it's a sin to be angry with God. Well, is it a sin to be frustrated with Him? I'm the grandest sinner of them all if it is.

I am frustrated with my life and the state of the world in general.

For instance, why the multitude of high death counts within the past year? Just tonight on CNN.com I read, "56 Dead in Moscow Roof Collapse", "85 Dead in Bangladesh Blast"...and this is only a few days after over a 100 were killed in Iraq, and only a week after a mudslide in the Philippines killed over 1,000. Let's not forget that 14 months ago over 200,000 were killed in a tsunami in southeast Asia.

Why the political volatility? Why has the Thai government been dissolved today? Why will the Iraqi people not embrace a government that's for them, not against them? Why are the Philippino's trying to overthrow their current government? Is all of this for the benefit of the world?

In my life, why am I so down on love? Both romantic and general love. Why do I struggle daily to have hope for my students? Why do I struggle daily to have hope in my future when I return to the states? Why was I sent down here to work for 2 years? Why have I slipped back into not enjoying community quite so much and isolating myself more and more?

What's the damn point? If God can take the lives of hundreds of thousands of people in the blink of an eye, who is to say He won't take mine in the same manner tomorrow? I know that's supposed to encourage me to live a holy and purposeful life, but right now it's only dejecting me and burdening my heart with the meaninglessness that is life.

I'm not depressed. I'm upset, frustrated, and I've lost a lot of patience with God. I want answers. I live so much of my life feeling like I'm not getting it. I feel like there's so much more that He hasn't revealed to me yet, and I want it. I want it now.

Why should God wait another day when tomorrow could be my last? Granted, He knows when my final day will be, but I don't, and in my sinful humanity I've lost patience with Him. As in any relationship, right now would be one of those moments when I'd throw my hands up in disgust and exclaim, "What the heck is going on?!? This makes zero sense and I'm growing very weary of waiting."

I know I need to take these things to Him in prayer and He'll work them out, but I'm too damn stubborn and upset with Him right now to seek Him for that purpose. I think my perspective is off. If you could pray for clarity and more patience, I'd appreciate that. Thanks.

"Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

The Lord's placed this verse on my heart lately.

Christ's law is to love one another. Many passages exist explaining how we are to love others, with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 standing out most prominently, but I feel the importance of Galatians 6:2 is overlooked. Christ lived out "his law". He was the role model of how we are to love one another. That being said, He bore our burdens on the cross, literally.

Therefore, is it not possible for us to literally bear one another's burdens? Many people feel that to "bear one's burden" is figurative. Although it can be figurative...we can counsel a friend through a difficult time, provide financial assistance when needed, etc...I feel it can and should be taken literally as well.

Example: Last Monday I had a fit of extreme anxiety for a few hours. Had some things pushed my buttons, I likely would have had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't understand where the anxiety was coming from! The next day I was praying and thinking back over some things, and it dawned on me that a close friend of mine had expressed anxiety about an upcoming event in her life that was to have taken place on that Monday. Later that day the Lord brought me to Galatians 6:2, and it all made sense. I feel the purpose behind my anxiety was to bear my friend's burden (the negative emotion she would have otherwise felt) so she did not have to experience it. Bizarre, perhaps, but I believe it's possible.


Thoughts?

In our staff meeting on Monday we took a Spiritual Gifts Assessment Test to, obviously, determine our strengths and weaknesses regarding spiritual gifts. By no means 100% accurate, the test was meant to help us think more about our spiritual gifts and, ultimately, learn more about them.

Tying with the most points (16 total) was 1) Wisdom 2) Discernment and 3) Faith.

The spiritual gift sheet describes each as...

Wisdom = It is the special gift whereby the Spirit endows particular Christians with an understanding of God's will and work as it relates to the living of life. See James 3:13-17

Discernment = It is the special gift whereby the Spirit allows certain Christians to know with assurance whether some behavior is of God or of Satan. See Acts 5:3-6, Acts 16:16-18

Faith = It is the special gift whereby the Spirit provides Christians with extraordinary confidence in God's promises, power, and presence so that they can take heroic stands for the future of God's work in the church. See Hebrews 11.

Normally I'd look at one of these "tools" as being ridiculous. With a degree in psychology and a focus on clinical psychology, it's difficult to take things like this seriously when there isn't research backing it up. But, after thinking about what the test says my top 3 spiritual gifts are, I'd have to say I agree for the most part.

I'd also have to say I believe "faith" to be the strongest. I can't say I've taken any "heroic stands for the church", but I do know that I live my life based on faith in Jesus Christ every day. I suffer most when I'm struggling in my faith. When I talk to others, usually the first piece of advice I give them is to have faith in God that He'll work all things for their benefit. The most convincing arguments against Christianity could be posed to me, but by faith I'd laugh at them. The main reason I'm still a part of this ministry and persevering through these struggles is because I have faith that this is where God wants me right now. Etc.

My 3 weakest spiritual gifts were no surprise, either. 1) Craftmanship 2) Music and 3) Mercy. They all tied with 1 total point.