For you, Lord.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. One of the most significant is why I feel called to something special. Something above and beyond the typical man. Greatness.

And I'm slowly starting to come to grips with the idea that maybe I'm not. And that's hard.

I've always felt called to something extraordinary; I felt my life had this tremendous purpose in God's kingdom...otherwise, why would He have fought so hard for me? Why would He have continually broken me? If I'm not called to something extraordinary, then why did He waste so much time on me?

I'm learning He would go to that extreme to save anyone. That simply because I'm more stubborn than others doesn't mean I'm called to something greater than they. That I need to start learning to be happy where I am and stop looking forward to the day when I will be an international figure who God has used in a special way. I'm realizing that even if that does happen, I will still feel the need to be greater.

I'm learning that I have an intrinsic need to feel special and wanted, and part of the reason I've always thought I was called to something extraordinary is because for that reason, and that reason only, God, and others, will love me. I don't think anyone can love me unless I'm doing something great. Unless I'm making an impact in the world. Unless I'm justifying their love.

I don't know how I'm going to grow out of that thought process. I've thought that way for at least 10 years, but more likely 15.

I know that may be one reason He brought me to seminary. In the company of my peers I am just another man. My gifts are no more extraordinary than the next guy. My intellect is of no greater depth. My call, and thus my life, is no more important.